Simple Salvation Church of God

I grew up in an abusive home and family. Both my parents were abusive but my dad more than my mom. They were not abusive all the time and us kids did not know we were abused totally. We had good times and memorable times as well. My mom was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive. My dad was abuisve financially, emotionally and physically and sexually with us girl. I, my mom and my younger brother spent several years in mental health counseling due to the abuse us kids suffered and abuse my mom suffered and participated in as well. My dad too got help in prison and learned how he himself had been a victim of abuse and so had repeated what he learned and he tried to change and be a better person. All four of us did heal and change our lifestyle and living.

It took my mom a second marriage to realize she was a victim of abuse and she had enabled my dad's abusive behavior and contributed to it. I had a total of 7.5 years of counseling. I learned to recongnize and know signs of abuse and to not allow it. I broke the cycle. Saddly my sister and oldest of my two brothers continued the cycle of abuse in their own families and children and now grandchildren. Blaming everyone else why they had multiple failed relationships and why their kids turned out to be criminals or drug abusers and alcoholics and in turn in failed relationships.

Statistically men abuse more than women and women are 5-8 times more abused than men. However men are abused as well. Abuse is a learned behavior. In domestic spousal abuse situations one person in the relationship tries to dominate and control the other partner or person. This occurs in both hetro and homosexual relationships.

Abuser's do not ever "Play Fair" they use fear, guilt, shame and intimidation to wear you down and to gain complete control over you. They may threaten to hurt you, or those you love, children, siblings, parents, friends.   

Despite what many believe abusers DO NOT lose control over their behavior. They make deliberate choices to abuse their victims and can stop when the police arrive or neighbor comes to visit or in public. Violent and abusive behavior is an Abusers Choice.

Abusers do not batter other people like a boss who angers them or a neighbor or a store clerk that gives them the wrong change. They abuse the people they love spouse, partner, children.

Physical Abuse marks often do not show up, the abuser hits or leaves markes in places not seen.

The Abuser uses

Dominance they need to feel in charge of the relationship, make decisions for you and the family and expect the family and spouse to obey without question. They treat their partner or spouse as a servant, child or a possession.

Power, Control and Humiliation: An Abuser will do everything they can to make their spouse or child feel bad about themselves. If you believe your worthless and one else will want you your less likely to leave. They use insults, call names, shame you and put you down in public all to erode away your self esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation; The abuser slowly increases their control over the spouse by increasing the dependance on them and using methods to cut you off from family and friends or the outside world. Preventing you from seeing them and even missing work or school. They arrange anything you do, places you go, whom you can see and how long. If do get a chance to visit family or friends they call and check on you calculating how long it takes you to get there and call within minutes of your arrival and may have some reason for your early return home.

Threats: The abuser scares ther victims to keep them from leaving by threatening harm to children, or extended family members or even pets or threaten suicide or suicide/homocide, or say they will file charges against you or other family or friends or report you to child protective services.

Intimidation: They give you threatening looks and gestures in public, smash things in front of you destroy your property, hurt your pets or put weapons on display making a clear message of violent consequences if you dare step out of line.

Denial and Blame: Abusers make a lot of excuses for thier behavior for the inexcusable or blame their behavior on their spouse or partner, deny or minimize what has occured or blame their behavior on a bad childhood, day, or other things and make the behavior the victims fault.

Sometimes they have a honeymoon period of Normal behavior to regain control if the victims somehow do escape, to keep the victim in the relationship turning on the charm and giving the victims hope the abuser has changed. Then they abuser fantasizes about how they will make the victim pay and often sets the victim up to justify abuse.

Signs of Abuse:

Victims are fearful much of the time of the abuser

Belittling of the abused by the abuser.

Abuser is Controlling

Making you feel helpless, desperate

The victim tries to avoid topics that set off an abuser

Victims feel they cannot do anything right

Wonder if your crazy

Victims Feel numb and helpless

vicitm may take small retalitory things, spit in abusers food, or drink

Abuser humiliates, and crititzes or yells at or scolds you

Abuser Embarrasses you in front of friends or family to see.

Abuser Ignores accomplishments and ignores your opinions and puts vicitms down

Abuser Blames victims for abusers behavior

Abuser Sees victims as property, sex object, servant rather than a person

Abuser Displays rage and bad temper

Abuser Threatens bodily harm, to kill you or hurt you

Abuser; Threatens to harm children, pets, or have them taken away.

Abuser; Forces you to have sex or if a woman abuser refuses sex or uses it as favor

Abuser; Destroys your belongings

Abuser; Acts aggressive, jealous and possessive

Abuser; Controls where you go, what you do, who you see, even where or who you work for at times

Abuser; Keeps you from seeing friends and family and the victim tells family or friends they don't want to see them and stops writiing, calling, visiting. Sending holiday cards or birthday cards etc.

Abuser; limits your access to money, the phone, internet, the car, may not pay your bills or debts but pays their own, may take your home and put it solely in their name.

Abuser; s constantly checking up on you.

Abusers often have a small circle of people allowed to visit or visit for long and when visiting only allow a few minutes visitation then want to go and leave. Often not allowing victims out of their sight or standing within earshot and stepping in if a conversation sounds like it may lead to abusers exposure. Abusers prefer their family stay close to home and have very few friends around.

Abusers often see children or the victims accomplishments as kudos to themselves and force children to peform in sports or other events to their glory but tell the victim or child how horrible they were when alone.

There are different types of abuse;

Emotional

Physical

Sexual forced sex or withheld sex if your good

Economic

Mental

Spiritual

Many abuses overlap

Emotional abuse can verbal or non verbal the goal is to chip away at your feelings of self worth and independance. While physical abuse leaves scars, emotional abuse is longer lasting and run very deep. Emotional abuse usually worsens over time and can esculate into physical battery. Women tend to use more emotional, financial/economic, sexual favor abuse and mental abuse with some subtler types of physical abuse. Hurting a man in the gentalia or pulling hair on chest, arms, legs, pinching, and throwing things. men do more hitting, and slapping, grabbing and choking and rape. Both may resort to using drugs put in drink or food to control or subdue the victim.

Financial Abuse

The abuser controls the finances, pays the bills or makes the victim think they have but may not pay the victim credit card bill or student loan or dry cleaning bill or car service repair.

Withhold credit cards or cancel accounts or take victims name of accounts, deeds etc.

Giving vicitm and allowance

Making victim account for every penny

Taking victims checks and money and spending it

Selling assets or family heirlooms of value or jewlery of victim

Withholding basic necessities, food, medication, shelter, clothing

Preventing victim from choosing thier own career or from working or arranging jobs they control who you work for having friends hire and report if you step out of bounds, If family or friend shows up at work for any reason even briefly.

Sabatoging your job, making phone calls, or calling emergencies so you miss work.

If you see a family member or friend who shows the above signs or the following try and help them get help but don't force them.

Frequent accidents and injuries and bruises

Frequent absences from work or school, church

Harassing calls at work from the partner or spouse

Fear of the abuser and reference to anger

Personality changes withdrawing, from social events, family outings and gatherings

Fear of conflict; the victim goes along with abuser, tells friends and family they agree with abuser so abuser won't hurt the friend or family or someone else

Submissive behavior or assertiveness

Isolation from family, freinds, social life, church

Insufficient rescources, money,

Depression, saddness, subdued, low self esteem

You can not force the victim to get help they MUST see the need to want to help themselves but be there for them as much as possible. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 they will talk to you about your family of friend and ask questions about signs and symptoms of abuse and give you information how to find help in your local area to get the victim help.

It is harder to get a male victim to admit abuse more than a female as men tend to have a sense of pride and cannot admit or struggle to admit they have been victims. Women have a tendacy to feel like they will not be loved but are more likely to get help before a man will.

I have written this from personal experince and from my own counseling sessions. I have also see the abuse others suffered and there is help to get out of abusive situations for anyone and many signs outsiders can see even when the victim thinks others cannot see it.   I also want to add that abuse does not just happen in the home. 

It can happen in school with teachers and peers bulling you.  At the work place with a co-worker or boss


Spiritual abuse and control;  Cult like behavior:

At church with fellow brethern, a pastor, a church board or others who deem themselves of greater value or more worth than you and do all they can to belittle, control, coherse or threaten you. 

Even to telling you if you don't fall into line with their policy,  traditions,  rules they will oust you from attending thier church and attempt to cut you off from friends loved ones and family. 

This is abuse and controlling behavior.  At times there might be someone deserving of disfellowshipment.  Example a the that robs the members or the church coffers or someone threatening bodily harm to others or a pedophile there to prey upon young victims.  But ordinarily if  some percived church leader or elder or someone who deems them self of some greater importance than others finds you a personal threat or your outshining them by your example and works not by bragging.  They feel threatened and begin to abuse you and attempt to control you.   I John 2; 1,2

This is neither Godly behavior or behavoir of a church you want to remain in.   Your in a cult not a church that follows the biblical mandates of Gods love and grace.  You can apply all the above mentioned abuse and behavior to your situation at church, work or school only on a larger scale.   God is about love, giving, sharing and family; not control.   When a church board or pastor or elder begin to insist their way is right and stop following the instructions, commandments, and mandates God gave us in his written word and you know it is wrong what they are telling you or forcing you to do.  Leave that church and trust in God to lead to a spiritual home that is more pleasing to him.   

One last thing. Abusers do not like strong people who have learned to not allow others to abuse them, They see them as threats and try and intimidate if possible or run when the person who may once have been a victim does not buckle to the abuser then they try and hide, snipe or lie. They do not like to be exposed and do not want to face some one who has learned to fight back and not allow abuse. Abusers may tell others the former victim is sick or ill mentally because they want the light off them. They fear exposure. Once a victim breaks free they are able to help themselves and the abuser both get the help both need because abusive behavior is an illness and being abused is an illness, both need exposed and healed, both can be helped to learn how to live normal healthy life styles.